Nilakantan -

12:29 pm

Riyas leaves for India tomorrow and he leaves a shadow of his former self. He is going to be a father soon, a person that I cannot identify with. When we talk we can only marvel at how both of us have changed. Somewhere we became someone else and for both of us to reconcile our pasts is becoming harder. I think I feel for him more because he dreamt a little bit more than all of us. While I wanted to touch the sky he wanted to graze the stars. Is this the same person with whom I rode through the rain, each drop searing with it's weight. And on the train trip back from Coimbatore did we not have hopes which at that time seemed reachable. Even when I travel by train at night I can see the both of us standing near the carriage door the wind reaching in to hear our conversation. Did our words get lost somewhere. I can still hear them if I strain myself hard enough. Somewhere in my room in Kerala there will be the first pamphlet we ever printed. " ABBA " indeed, corny and cheesy but a lot was invested in that title, I became closer to you in that process. When we rode to College you and I, you had made a little dream come true. I too had aspired to be part of something and you lent credibility to that.

Every time I come down to Kerala I want to drive down to our College and see the places we people used to sit. Endless rounds of tea and words that never stopped. Even now when I go to the video parlor and see a movie which has college as it's theme I rent it. Sometimes a single shot redeems the entire movie because it reminds me of the times we all used to share.

Sreeja died leaving behind a son and her husband. She wrote me the lyrics of " Chura Liya ". It was the last month before we all said our good byes. I never believed in taking autographs, but if I knew I would be feeling this way I would have brought my notebook along. I lived an extremely long life as a student, my father felt that it was too long. But in all those years I treasure the three years I spent in Kerala. I never got the girl I wanted. All I got were glances that may have meant anything. But sometimes when the sun sets and the radio plays my favorite song. I think that glance would have meant that she loved me.

Do you think Riyas if we went to College and looked at all the desks we would be able to find the names we carved 7 years ago. Maybe we won't but then they will always be there.